The Abraham Studio · The Living Portal • one of six rooms
Faith, paradox, surrender, not-knowing, anti-bypass. A lived experiment; questions remain questions.
from this room
17 films
N01
Been studying a lot of Phrygian and bettering my keyboard playing and theory knowledge. It's late past bedtime plans and I've been on Phrygian awhile, so maybe posting this will relieve pressure of getting it done and have me come back to it pressure free, to play melodies like I wasn't able to stop playing yesterday.
That's a post I put up in a music community one night, mid-study, nowhere near done. I'm keeping it here because it's the clearest picture I have of what starting where you are looks like for me. I didn't wait for the studying to be finished, and I didn't turn the posting into a rule either, like now I always share before I'm ready. It was one night, one move, made so the pressure would let go of the thing and I could come back to it free.
N02
Also, I think forgiveness is an attachment. Telling people to forgive, forcing them to forgive, is an attachment. And I can see how this can be taken as indirectly saying, oh, you know, forgive.
What I keep saying instead is just leaving it, and I know leaving it seems like how it sounds, but leaving it in a good way, that's like knowing you're not going to get the exact answer. It's not necessarily about knowing what happened, it's knowing that you're not going to get the answer, and you leave it like you have to leave everything else in an attachments way. And yeah, it does seem like you're not addressing it and stuff, but even the leaving it is also an attachment. So yeah, that's actually what it means, leaving, not like literally leaving.
This leaving is kind of like admitting your humanity, admitting that you can't stir magic. Just demystifying, take it out of the side, but don't rush, don't force yourself, just allow the humanity of you, that's the key for me, just allow the humanity of you to shine, but in the sense of the brokenness and not having the answer, rather than rushing to complete things.
N03
The whole point of my human experience is like a blindfold experiment, where I'm bound to get it right blindfolded just from having a pure heart, and it's even deeper because you can't have a pure heart by trying to have a pure heart, it's a gift, it has to do with letting go, it has to do with being sick, because only the sick get doctors.
So I'm having to let go of all that I'm getting allowed to peek at, because non attachment is the way, it's impossible, and it's not meant to do literally. And the more honest I am, the more I embrace my humanity, which is the opposite of what I was experiencing as God. For whatever reason I decided to do this experience, I'm here and I want to seriously go about it.
I'm still here for an impossible life. A life of grace, miracles. It's all about purity of heart.
I'll say the honest part too, since this is the page where it belongs. I don't know if my message is good to be broadcasted to the general public, because of the whole in-the-ring thing and who are the people who have pure hearts. So this isn't me handing you a doorway or telling you where you stand. It's my own experiment, and I'm still inside it.
X01
There's something I've been watching in my own life, and I'm not putting it forward as a result or a promise. It will also be a testament to people like me, the people who have been told they were too much, and now everyone is lining up for them. That's it, that's the observation. I don't fully know yet what to do with it, and I'm not going to pretend the knowing part is finished.
N04
Everything you're looking for you can get for free. This isn't my wisdom, it's not my knowledge, I was blessed to find it, it's nobody's. It's not nobody's, it's yours.
And I do hear the funny part of saying that out loud in a room I built to put it in, cause non-attachment is attachment, but it's the closest you can get to non-attachment, right?
N05
I grew up playing instruments in church, and I used to want to be a worship leader on a bigger scale. When I grew, well, that ended up not happening, and when I did deconstruct it after moving to Canada I reconstructed for my Christianity, but you know I was still listening to Christian music this morning, it's still part of my style.
Then in December of 2025 I decided to continue speaking in tongues. I had left it after my deconstruction, but that day I thought I should have faith in that, I should trust who was with me then. I felt like I lost too much ground, and I do want to show people that they shouldn't let Christians do that much.
Lol, I could've been a pretty okay pastor huh. Or youth pastor, if I didn't deconstruct.
N06
What people think is doubt is actually faith. Absence of faith is not the presence of doubt, so me being on the path I'm on all these years, even with the doubts, is an act of faith.
But yes, I prefer it, so I don't wanna brag about being on this path. It is faith though. You have thoughts and worry on the top.
N07
These came in separately, over about five weeks, and I haven't tried to make them into one thing.
February 16: the closest to non attachment you can get is to withdraw confidence from your inevitable attachments.
February 20, and the whole note was just the title: in non attachment there is no truth.
March 29: non attachment says neither, it says there's no truth, there's just support to meet you WHEERE you're at!
And underneath all of it, from a tape in February: because like for god there is no truth right.
I'm leaving them next to each other the way they came.
N08
I don't want to be attached and say the universe has been preparing you for the attachment, because that is the pressure you don't need when you need to do something right.
So choose freedom, always. I want to capitalize on this, choose freedom, saying it for the non-attachment account.
It's the same thing underneath as, you should hear "don't do it" and then you do it, not because you're stubborn, but it's like they just don't know how hard it is.
I like to say choose freedom.
N09
Some people want to buy 18/0 cutlery because they don't want the nickel poisoning, and I understand. But then your 18/0 cutlery in your dishwasher affects the time you ran your dishwasher, which affects a lot.
Non-attachment is non-attachment, right? But non-attachment within non-attachment.
For me, what I moved to was, I'll just run the dishwasher sometimes. You can't expect someone to just lose their, you know, their mind. Be compassionate, be loving, understanding.
N10
Another thing about "you can't save anyone" is, it's when you're trying to explain, teach, write it down, verbalize, put into words that you know, things get confusing, and we go from knowing to believing, which is like a step down.
I find that you get understanding once you've let go, once you know you are in those boundaries where you can't save someone, so you can't be that institution that will explain everything to them.
My ministry won't be rooted in explaining things but leaving the explanation out.
N11
It's so crazy how an attachment can get you from feeling not 100 with everybody around to literally feeling equal if not better, because it becomes I am. And with I am, there's no scales. There's I am-ness and I am-not-ness, I like that. And when you're in the I am, you're in the I am.
N12
This one is me reading something I wrote at nineteen.
It's nuanced, I went through phases of not full maturity so it's true, but I'm not big on buzz words like "prosperity gospel preachers" for judgement language, but it's cool either.
The other half of it is knowing what the page in front of me is. Some of it was mine and some of it was sermon I was writing down, and at twenty-seven I can tell the difference and still not throw the page away. So, beware sermon notes.
N13
This is the oldest recording in the room, from before I left Ethiopia.
Especially since my picture of God is so much different right now, like I don't see him like a the human being but just some being transcendent, and whom I don't have to go the elementary way if you will to reach or to interact to. I feel like just being present and letting my heart be conditioned, or looking at my heart being conditioned, or remaining conditioned. I feel like that is the way for me.
N14
But due to non attachment I continue to be Abraham, often, it non attachedly makes sense with the liberty of being okay with being wrong that the choice of humanity remains to allow Abraham to be.. Abraham
Typed at the end of a long stretch of working this out, in April. The doubled space is in it and the name arriving twice is in it. Both stay.
N15
I decided to continue speaking in tongues today. I had left it after my deconstruction but today I thought I should have faith in that I should trust who was with me then when I got the gift of tongues is still who I believe this is from
Written the day I decided it, in December. The rest of what I typed that night went somewhere else and stays there.
N16
my challenge is these thoughts i cant knock down but cant worship either of "your throat and body are remembering even in your mind if you think you're being smart"- spiritual bypassing concept in short, and the manifestation thought of, if you're settling and accepting less, how do you expect ot manifest better communites and options.
Two things I have not been able to argue down and have not been able to take on. Both are quoted the way I met them. Neither one won.
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